If I had to describe myself I would say I am the eternal hopeless romantic. A woman passionately in love with the idea of real love that sometimes idealistic views cloud my reality. It’s not a Shakespearean story, but I am looking for my version of prince charming — whatever that might be. Which is why I am single. My friends call me daily to talk about relationships gone wrong; others tell me stories of their bad dates or divorce. Just yesterday a random stranger I met at the Kentucky Derby six years ago contacted me out of the blue asking for relationship advice. Am I the new Carrie Bradshaw, or have we all just given up on love?
The hardest thing to do after a failed relationship is put yourself back out there. Who wants to trust again, especially trusting someone who hasn’t earned it? I’ve been single for five months. Happy and miserable might I add. The lack of interesting people, or better; completely disappointing matches. Because is anybody meeting organically anymore? I don’t date a lot. Truly I’ve never been a dater. I’ve always preferred my long-term relationships. My match count is less than five and the number of dates fewer. But I can’t help but ask what the fuck?! I want to blame Los Angeles for poor dating options yet I’m keen on dating people who are long distance so it’s me and the men I choose (no one recently however). I take full responsibility. But all of the men in Los Angles, long-time loves including, have really just sucked… the life out of me.
So for that guy on the East Coast who asked me how to deal with his breakup and how to date post break up the answer is are you emotionally available? If you are not don’t waste anyones time right now. Especially your own.
I am attracted to much older men. Boys have never enticed me. I need someone who understands women and treats me like a queen. Someone who is 100% a man. He should be confident enough to cry and show vulnerability, but safe enough to protect me and love me exactly how I need to be loved. A man that knows when he is ready and available for a woman to become a part of his life. For women like myself who want to provide the exact same thing for a man she understands what I am saying. For men, I have never met a man under the age of 45 that gets it though — and that’s a stretch. If you are fresh out of a breakup, not healed, or simply not in a place in your life to prioritize someone else don’t force one door open to close another.
Daters are like vampires sucking blood from each other. So intense people accept lies, carelessness and indecent actions to find bliss in that moment because companionship can get quite desperate when it’s that difficult to find. People lurking dating apps matching with everyone just to get to know no one. We are unhappy but we keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. A dangerous amount of insanity being passed around an application on a mobile device. Then comes a glimmer of hope from one great call, a chance meeting, or a sleep over. And the next day back to no contact, outrageous egos, and strangers again. Who the fuck are we dating? Narcissists? Ego maniacs? Insecure individuals? Are we just a messy generation of broken hearts?
We are all damaged in one way or another. If you have ever been intoxicated by someone you know suffering. The breakthrough comes in being able to see people for who they are post pain. Accepting them and all of their flaws and vices. It’s understanding past hurt does not always carry weight in new transformations.
I am intense. I love intimately. Make love sensually. I kiss hard. I care painfully. I’m not for everyone and I don’t want to be. That’s why I’m upfront about myself too soon. Because Sonder said it best “Ain’t no such thing as too fast.” Persuading ourselves to stay in things or start things that don’t feel right is practicing suffering. It’s coping with permanent unhappiness for immediate gratification.
When I ask who the fuck you are dating it’s so we can be real honest with one another about our intentions. So we can set boundaries before we get entangled. So we can stop the chain of people telling us they are different from everyone we have dated before and treating us like just another girl/guy. Shoot someone down. Tell them no. Don’t match with them. Text them back or call and tell them when your words suggests something different than your actions. The scariest thing in the world is fully revealing your naked self to someone and receiving dishonest abandonment.